Parents Just Don't Understand! Or Do They? Kids Digital Device Activity

This isn't the late 80s, so get with it!

You know parents are all the same, no matter time or place, they don't understand that us kids are gonna make some mistakes. 

The Fresh Prince with DJ Jazzy Jeff

Over the last month I have had an increase in emails and requests for information revolving one big topic: Kids and Internet Safety, specifically Social Media Communication.

I give workshops, consult and talk at great lengths about how parents, teachers, and the community can be more proactive and promote keeping kids safe online. Parents seem overwhelmed and sometimes feel helpless. They are not sure where to go to get simple, straightforward information that is easy to follow and keep updated on.

I'm here to tell ya, you don't need to read every social media parenting self-help book (many of them are obsolete as soon as they are published anyways because of the ever changing technology), surf the internet for hours looking for advice, or even spend anymore time worrying about it. Hopefully, this blog post will help PARENTS UNDERSTAND the why, how and what they are doing with these devices that seem to making our world more complicated at times.

Simply stated:

• Developing their dignity: If you ever had a child development course or have read anything about child development in general, you know that there are stages of moral reasoning with kids from babies through adulthood.  We expect our kids to act like adults, when, they really are not. Kohlberg and Erikson, two psycholgists researched the stages of moral development. See the cliff notes version of their research below.  You can clearly see why kids make the decisions they do at the different developmental ages they progress through which also relates to their internet and social media behavior.

Erik Erikson's Psychosocial Stages of Development

Lawrence Kohlberg's Theory of Moral Development.

• Their reality is not real: Thank you very much "Reality TV." Research shows that kids brought up watching reality shows actually think what goes on is "real." What does this mean? In my opinion, two big issues. First, there will be more drama then their parents grew up with. Why? Have you ever watched a highly rated reality show? More drama, more viewers. Secondly, it (whatever 'it' is) keeps going. Whether it is a comment on a pic or video, sharing of a link about someone, a rude text of some sort...whatever it is, our technology driven society makes easier than ever to keep it going on and on.

• Porn before puberty? So, this is the real deal, anyone, kids included can see a huge variety of pornography whenever they want. I don't care how many filters, firewalls, locks, security or dog watching you have or are doing, kids can get to it and fast. Then there's the unsuspecting parents  who say, "what's the big deal, I use to look at pics of Playboy when I was in junior high. We all were curious."  The open access to pornographic material out there which kids can view at an instant makes old school Playboy look like G-rated.  Being that it is easy to send and receive pics, texts, sexts, links and videos, kids can actually become numb to the crazy things they see coming across their digital devices. 

Be the proactive parent. I'm not a big believer in quantity over quality, you don't need a list of 20 websites to read, just these.
Check these two out and you should be set.

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/
http://www.netsmartz.org/Parents

Some points for solutions:

• Facebook is ancient to your kids:  Know which social media apps are trending and which new ones are coming out. Commonsensemedia.org (listed above) gives parents updated rankings of all social media apps (new and old). See how a fairly new social media app Yik Yak scores here: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/app-reviews/yik-yak. Each report gives you ratings for categories ranging from violence, sex, language and privacy. The app report also gives talking points for families and valid information about the purpose of the app and the positive or negative capability it has.

• I did not inhale.  Right. Well, your kids may ask, "did you look at dirty pics when you were my age? Did you send mean notes when you were in junior high?" It's like that age old question about drinking and smoking pot. Should you answer this question? Many psychologists will say that you cannot win this battle. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Meaning, if you share with your child that you did engage in an inappropriate behavior when you were that age, they will come back with something like, "well, you did it!" On the flip side, if you explain you did not do anything of the sort, they will respond with, "then you don't have any idea what I am going through, how could you even relate to what I am feeling?" If anything, you should divert the conversation back to your child by saying something like, "let's focus on you and what you are going through." So, keep the conversation on them and about them. as much as you can, unless you just feel like sharing your past experiences. Many experts like Danah Boyd explain, it's the way you parent through these situations, not the technology causing all the problems.

• To track or not to track? That is the question. You are the parent, if you want to track everything, some, or none of what they do, it's your call. Curious on how you do that? Check out this website to choose which tracking app makes the most sense to you and what you want to do: http://www.tomsguide.com/us/apps-for-tracking-your-teens,review-2261.html. Some parents sleep better at night knowing that they are able to locate their kids at anytime. Others will sometimes do spot check. Please do talk with your kid(s) about what you are tracking and why. You don't want to be that hovering parent and send them running away from you, but you do want to know they are being safe and wise when it comes to using their device.

Is this really necessary?

• Get to the root: No one is perfect, especially your kids. As parents, our main goals are to keep our kids healthy and happy, right? Remember that.  Every expert will tell you that the number one way to approach social media issues is to figure out the cause of the behavior. Talk with your kids about the what, why and how: what happened, why did it happen, how can they prevent it from happening again? Consistent casual conversations; in the car, at dinner, while shooting baskets, when you have one-on-one time with your kids are great ways to keep a pulse on what they are doing in their private (or not so private lives).  Use the resources at netsmartz.org (also listed above). This amazing website has trendy videos for kids, tweens and teens. Some are cartoon videos, others are real stories about how teenagers have been influenced or affected by internet and technology influences.  A great example of how this website supports proactive parenting is here: http://www.netsmartz.org/Cyberbullying. This webpage shares stats, conversation starters, resources including activity cards, handouts, videos and more.

Bottom line: Being approachable, keeping that open communication and having a close relationship with your kid is the best way to avoid the downfall digital devices can bring.
Show 'em you DO UNDERSTAND.

There are more tips and resources I can share, so email me or book me for a workshop!

You can sing or dance along as DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince explain this age old issue in the video below.

You Talkin' To Me? : Civility and Technology

EDWARD HICKS
American, 1780-1849
The Peaceable Kingdom, about 1833
Oil on canvas

Last night our family attended the Rockhurst University student mass at Saint Francis. It had been a long weekend (our beloved MU Tigers lost), the weather was freezing and our kids were tired and crabby. Great mood to have as you enter into mass! But something unexpectedly happened to me...

Ever have one of those moments when you feel as though your priest (or pastor) is speaking specifically to you. It's almost like you want to blurt out "you talkin' to me" (insert de Niro's famous quote in front of his mirror), but with a more positive, less New York accent. During the homily, Father Curran creatively brought out the print of Edward Hick's The Peaceable Kingdom. Since he knew we couldn't all see him holding the framed piece of art, he encouraged the congregation to Google it in church right then. We all had the opportunity to personally view the image on our smartphones (how 21st century is that!) as we reflected on what we saw.

As we observed the images expressed in the picture, he discussed the different characters in the artwork and what they represented.  Growing up Baptist and attending a Baptist school 1st-8th, I have read the Bible about twenty different times and there are certainly scriptures I vividly remember.  The scripture of Isaiah came back to mind:

Isaiah 11: 6-8

Then the wolf shall be a guest of the lamb, 

and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat;

The calf and the young lion shall browse together,

with a little child to guide them. 

The cow and the bear shall graze,

together their young shall lie down;

the lion shall eat hay like the ox.

The baby shall play by the viper’s den, 

and the child lay his hand on the adder’s lair.

The summary of his homily brings to light the notion of: we can all live together. It's through civility and the Platinum rule (as we like to call it at RU): " Treat others as THEY want to be treated"  vs the Golden rule, "Treat others as you want to be treated."  We cannot assume that others want to be treated as we want to be treated and vice versa. We all have different backgrounds, experiences and tolerance levels for diverse situations. This is an area I have struggled with the older I get. I have always tried to please others and confrontation is not my cup of tea. Rather than sometimes voice my opinion, I seek clever ways to tactfully get my subtle point across and move on. 

This issue is a constant discussion in my Educational Technology courses. My graduate and undergraduate students, who are pre-service teachers, are concerned about civility and technology, pertaining to numerous scenarios. Can you be civilized, professional and Christian as you stand up for yourself in today's technological world?

We live in a digital society where it is incredibly easy to be UNcivilized with our quick responses to text messages, emails, social media, blogs and articles. It's very easy to hide behind a fictitious name and write whatever we want with no real accountability. People don't see physical expressions when you type out your response and hit "send" or "post". One family psychologist hit it right on, "Technology has changed the rules of social engagement". Last year, I attended a breakfast promoting civility practices in Kansas City through ConsensusKC. Several politicians and local businesses stood up and spoke about their efforts to promote civility in Kansas City. 

A recent effort has been raising local and national attention. As of December 5th, those who wish to comment on Kansas City Star's website, must log in with their Facebook account and this is why:

"For the record, we appreciate and encourage commenting on our stories. We want a thorough discourse on important issues and topics across the board. We find interesting context and useful tips in the comments sections. 

Most of our users behave thoughtfully. But a few nameless, faceless readers are poisoning the well for everyone.

At this point, it seems to be the best model going, and lots of news organizations around the country are deploying it. So far, we’ve heard positive feedback on how it’s working in many of those markets.

We believe all of this leads to a better, richer conversation. Thanks for reading."

Read more here: http://www.kansascity.com/2013/09/13/4478108/the-stars-online-commenting-policy.html#storylink=cp

In regards to my students, we have a few behaviors we commit to abide by as we discuss them in my class.

1. Receive a heated email or phone call from a parent or student: give yourself at least 24 hours to respond. If you decide to respond prior to then, confirm you received their email and let them know you will get back with either through setting up a meeting or through an email once you have had time to think through the issue.

2. If someone posts a negative post on your social media site (blog, Facebook, Instagram...) you can delete it or respond in a dignified way. Appropriate humor seems to get a point across or a classy short, straightforward comment.

3. We all have various opinions about a variety of topics, when faced with a debate or heated situation, you need to decide: is this professional or personal. If it is professional, perhaps take the high road and find a way to resolve it. If it's personal, remember the definition of civility: 

Civility is claiming and caring for one's identity, needs and beliefs without degrading someone else's in the process.

We can all benefit from thinking about it this way:  Next time you come into a situation when you feel you need to voice your opinion loud and clear, especially through one way communication via technology; you might want to FIRST practice in front of the mirror, or at least take a look at yourself in one.

'Tis the season to be jolly...let's try harder to be civil to one another and live together in peace.